I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edges
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.
This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
of your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.
And I will not be afraid
of your scars.
I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.
Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.
And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home,
and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but
nothing is infinite,
not even loss.
You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day
you are going to find yourself again.
Imagine the stories
Her heart sank into her shoes as she realized at last how much she wanted him. No matter what his past was, no matter what he had done. Which was not to say that she would ever let him know, but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone she had ever met, that all other men seemed pale beside him.
—F. Scott Fitzgerald (via quotewhore)
2013, In Fragments
1. Your room will smell like boy for almost four months. You will fall asleep to the sound of his snoring, wake to his impatient whining, is it time for breakfast yet? Wake up, I’m bored.When you watch him asleep on your bedroom floor, you will learn in the way his chest rises when he breathes, the way he sleeps on his side arms tucked behind his knees that there are many ways to love somebody.
2. A live audience is more tiring than a toxic relationship. If you try to find assurance in their words and applause, you will find that some nights will be harder. Here, you will learn that there is nothing wrong with self-assurance.
3. The first time you put on a corporate blazer, your mom will have tears in her eyes but she will pretend not to be crying. You will stand in front of the mirror and you will look exactly like her. Your dad will bring you on your first day of work and you will relish that moment. When you kiss him goodbye he will say, I have always been so proud of you.
4. On an isolated beach, cut off from the rest of the world, you will find that there are many things a person can lose. One of which is oneself. You will leave traces in people and places, and sometimes you can never get them back. Sometimes, you wouldn’t even want to.
5. Art will become a substitute for the lack of feeling and the numbing sensation your body has grown accustomed to. That when there is a lack of words on your part, your shadow limb writhing in pain, someone else’s catharsis will be your own. You will never know the meaning of the word empty for as long as you allow yourself to breathe in everyone else.
6. Someone will come into your life. Unassuming. Disarming. Terrifying. You will wake up with a smile on your face and butterflies in your stomach and this will scare you. For the most part, you will constantly be fighting the urge to run but when you look at her, your feet will refuse to move and you will learn that there are places you can run to other than away. Her arms. Her smile. Her eyes. You will look at her and want to place your fingers on anything you can call yours. You will learn that to keep yourself from drowning, the trick is not to flail, but to tread lightly. Tread lightly.
7. Your sister will become your pillar of strength. The dock you will need to find yourself tethered to in case the current pushes you away. She will hold you, nothing but a flickering flame on her palm - her hands cupped to keep you from fading away. This is the year you learn that people will surprise you in the most beautiful ways possible.
8. A reassurance that some things never change: your best friend will finish your thoughts the moment before you think it. When one look is all it takes, you find that for some people, there will never be a need for words. Because she is right there and you are right there, and there is all the two of you will ever need.
9. Your grandfather’s house will still and always feel like home. When you are tired, pick up the phone and tell him you are coming over. When you arrive, there will be hot soup and blankets and his bed made just for you. Nothing will ever come close.
10. For many times over, you will put yourself first. Never regret the conscious decision to love yourself above others. To put your happiness first. Some good will come out of it. You will be home earlier than 9pm. You will find a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on whenever you are weary. You will have time for people and for things you never had the luxury to pursue. You will see your little brother on weekdays and every night when you tell him good night, I love you, he will say I love you more and that will be enough.
For 2014, a note:
People will come and go. Allow them. If they stay, allow them. Embrace change. Open yourself up to the wounds and the baggage they carry. Carry it with them. You will find that the heavier the load, the easier to carry when you aren’t doing it alone. Do not close yourself off from the world. It is beautiful. Be a part of it. Tell your mother she looks beautiful and hug your dad whenever you can. Sadness is temporary. Fight it. When you start to panic, and your chest begins its struggle for air, pick up the phone. Call. Someone will be on the other line. Trust that they will not leave you. Stop being afraid to love. Some people are worth it.
My best friend, she is beautiful.