Recycled Storylines & Tacked On Happy Endings

"Arete" n. That To Which All People Aspire
See Also: Strength In The Face Of Adversity

The Chance That Maybe I’ve Found Better Days

I’ve never really been big on Christmas. Probably in the same screwed up way that I’ve never really been big on my birthday. And this year, this year has been horrible to me. So I guess anyone could’ve expected that I wasn’t exactly jumping up and down for joy when the holidays came around. Christmas break came along, and all I wanted to do was rest. Curl up in bed and hide from the world is more like it. I felt so burnt out from the crazy amount of things I’ve been busying myself with. 

Every year, I have a novel-long list of people to get presents for and a roll of cash to spend. The entire production number: a list of names, something special for each, where to buy them, how much they’re worth, wrapping, delivery. Like I said, all that hoopla. This year, after everything, I decided it was time to do things for myself. Just this once. Not our of selfishness, but out of self-worth. No presents. Just me. 

Every year, my entire family gets together. Again, yet some more gigantic production numbers. One for each side of the family. Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins. Again, the whole shebang. I’ve never particularly looked forward to this. No reason. Except for complacency, I guess. This year, people were busier than usual. No big family gatherings. I didn’t mind. Not at all. 

Then, as Christmas drew closer, I realized.. Well, it felt nothing like Christmas. 

Don’t get me wrong, my Christmas break was great. I went out with new friends, caught up with old ones, had just the right balance of chill days and insane nights. And I spent just enough time with myself, for myself, on myself. 

It was what I needed.

Because you know what? I can finally say that, well, I think I’m happy again. Happy with myself, happy with what I have. And you know what else? I’m not so angry anymore. Over the things that’ve constantly hurt me.

And I know I’m a snip bipolar, so this can change in a second. And I know neither of these things are absolute (cut me some slack here, the universe has been tough). But this is the first time I’ve been able to say this in a while. 

So yeah, it was exactly what I needed.

But I missed Christmas, the way I’m used to having it. 

So here’s what I realized: The inexplicably loud family gatherings where people hug too much, too tight, and the extremely stressful (and not to mention incredibly expensive) trips to the mall with my foot-long Christmas shopping list — I’m never trading them in for anything ever again. Because that, all that is what Christmas means to me.

So there you have it, folks. What turned out to be one of my best Christmases yet. Because the Christmas gods pulled through for me anyway. I’ve rambled on much too much as it is, so let me just leave you with this — When I said it felt nothing like Christmas, I most definitely spoke to soon.

  1. tonybattung posted this